From You - For You
Write A Note
The Struggle To
With No Living Children
I have often asked the question, "Why?".
Over time, the question changed to,
"What do I do now that this has happened to me?"
Gradually, the answer is becoming clear.
"When one door closes, another opens, but we often look so long and so regretfully
upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."
- Alexander Graham Bell -
Our attitude towards what has happened to us in life is the important thing to
recognize. Once hopeless, my life is not hope-full, but it did not happen overnight.
"The last of human freedoms ~ to choose one's attitude in any given set of
circumstances, is to choose one's own way."
- Victor Frankl -
Victor Frankl, a psychiatrist and the author of 'Man's Search for Meaning,' observed that
people could endure their suffering if they looked toward the future with purpose rather
than despair. This can be a struggle when one's dream of having a baby has been dashed.
No Magic Words Or Books
There are no magic words to take away the pain of grief. I keep listening, but I do
not hear any. There are no books that can tell you when you and your life will be back to
the way it was prior to your baby's death. You are a different person now. I am a
different person now. Everything changes -- your relationships, outlook, spiritual life,
and belief system. It took me a long time to realize this. I kept waiting for things to
get "back to normal." They never did. I am having to find a new
"normal" and rediscover "me" all over again.
Life Will Never be The Same
My task has been to find the answer to the question that Paul Alexander asks in his
"Who Am I Now (Without You)?".
I have had to acknowledge and accept that life will never be the same again. This means
accepting that my babies have died and there is nothing I can do or say that will bring
them back. This means I have to face my pain and work through my grief. Each person's
experience of grief is unique, and so is the journey towards healing unique. I will share
with you my journey and what is helping me.
You Are Not Alone In Your Sorrow
You are not alone in your sorrow. God is with you (whether he/she is God the Father,
Buddha, or your own personal God), and we are with each other in spirit. Having faith does
not mean not having to mourn or that you must be silent in your sorrow. Having faith means
having the courage to mourn and, if you have questions you need to ask God, asking them. I
ask God many questions. It is in living that the answers are slowly revealing themselves
to me. In the stillness of the night, I hear God's whispered words of wisdom. When I close
my eyes, I feel His loving arms around me, comforting me.
Express your Feelings
You need to allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling. You need to express
these feelings in a healthy way, such as
You Will Survive
Love and accept yourself where you are, here and now. Know that you will survive
this tragedy. Death takes away a life, but it does not take away the relationship.
Celebrate Mother's Day
I am a mother and YOU are a mother. Even though I have no living children, I
still celebrate Mother's Day. Past gifts from the babies' father included a Mother's Ring
with all four birthstones. The birthstones represent the months I miscarried them. I still
consider them to be birthstones because the babies were "born" - not here on
earth, but in Heaven. The year before I miscarried Ashley Brooke, I was given a gold pin
with three intertwined hearts to symbolize the love for our babies in Heaven.
Celebrate Christmas, Too
Each Christmas I buy special ornaments in memory of my babies. Last Christmas was
particularly difficult for me. It took several attempts to buy the ornaments and it was
not without tears. Last year meant having to buy four ornaments instead of three. At
first, I was thinking "three" and not "four" ... and then I
remembered. I felt guilty for having thought that I had forgotten Ashley Brooke. How could
a mother forget one of her children? But that was not the case. I had not forgotten Ashley
Brooke. I was trying to avoid the pain of acknowledging her death. Buying the fourth
ornament would make it more real, make her absence more tangible. I left the store without
four ornaments... but with a headache, my body's way of telling me "I do not want to
think about it." I forgave myself. I did not want to buy four ornaments. For weeks I
knew which ornaments (sequined angels) were going to be ours. Usually I have our babies'
ornaments purchased by the beginning of December. However, this past Christmas I did not
buy them until Christmas Eve. I forgave myself... again. My babies know how much they are
loved and missed... all four of them.
Love, Faith and Trust
My faith and trust in God, professional counseling, and the understanding of other
bereaved parents, has helped me to find hope again. Journaling is a way for me to explore
my emotions, thoughts, and dreams. It also helps me to release my feelings of pain, anger,
frustration, and fears. Reading bereavement newsletters and books about grief and
spirituality continues to be a positive experience for me. Paul Alexander has written some
beautiful songs and healing meditations that have touched me deeply. His work is a source
of hope and encouragement for me.
Reach Out To Help Others
Helping other bereaved individuals to change their heartache into hope is helping me
to find my way to wholeness. I feel that God is gently guiding me in this direction. I am
no longer afraid of the future. I know that wherever I am, God is there, also. He has
planned and is planning my life's journey. It is in my relationship with God, through
prayer, that I have rediscovered the meaning and purpose for my existence. I have
survived. Life is good again, but different. Different is OK. As the philosopher Nietzsche
"He who has a why to live can take any how."
I have learned that happiness and peace come from within and are not based on outward
circumstances. Love is the key to happiness and there is no door too difficult for it to
Native American Blessing
"May you find the strength of the eagle's wings, the faith and courage to fly
to new heights, and the wisdom to guide you there."